


Timeless

by sungshinestars



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: "ticking bomb", Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Break Up, Cancer, Character Death, Established Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, Friendship, Gay, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, Hongjoong and Seonghwa are the main couple, Hospitalization, How Do I Tag, Illnesses, M/M, Post-Break Up, Running Away, Sad, Sad Ending, Secrets, Seonghwa is afraid, Solar is a minor character, Terminal Illnesses, Tragic Romance, Yeosang needs a hug too, a lot of crying, but like really its sad, but she is important, description of death, hongjoong needs a hug, please be careful if you are triggered by death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29338275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungshinestars/pseuds/sungshinestars
Summary: „The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha"Seonghwa knew time was precious. Every day he felt the passing time on his skin, he felt how when he did, in fact, think about it, it was a little harder to breathe. So he decided to lie. Lie about his time. His time left.""He lied about why it was so easy to make him cry and he lied about why he jolted awake so many times in the middle of the night with tear-stained face and hands gripping into his partner’s shirt so tightly. And Joong let his lies slide."
Relationships: Choi San/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	Timeless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my amazing friend and inspiration: H.](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+amazing+friend+and+inspiration%3A+H.).



> Hey friends!
> 
> My name is S and this is my first fic on ao3.  
> English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes in advance.
> 
> I would like to remind everyone that this work only refers to ATEEZ members as a part of my imagination, they are not like this and they didn't go through happenings like this in real life (as much as we know, I hope they will never experience something like this). 
> 
> By no means am I trying to romanticize death or cancer in this au, I wrote it based off my own feelings while someone so dear to me lost their life due to this illness. Once again I warn you, if this is a triggering topic for you, please be really careful while reading. 
> 
> Other than that this work was inspired by the song Bodyache from Purity Ring (find the song on Spotify here)
> 
> I hope you will enjoy!!

There is something what moves forward no matter how hard everything feels like. There is something that keeps running out of the hands of people and there is no way of getting it back. It is the time.  
With every single minute passing we are all closer to that one inevitable moment when our lungs don’t fill up with fresh air anymore and our hearts stop pumping blood and our bodies slowly turn into stone cold things. Time is precious. Time is what gives meaning to our every days. Even if people usually say that days are a social construct some ancient government made up to control us better, time is something we have, just for a moment, and after that we will never have it back.  
Seonghwa knew time was precious. Every day he felt the passing time on his skin, he felt how when he did, in fact, think about it, it was a little harder to breathe. So he decided to lie. Lie about his time. His time left.

Hongjoong slowly turned the key in the lock and stepped into their shared apartment. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was theirs. It was what they called home. Looking at the walls, he smiled when memories came and took him on the rollercoaster of fun he was reminded by the pictures and paintings that were up there. Woo and San smiling with Hwa in the middle, when they finally decided they would accept him into their duo to make it a “trio” for a few hours. Pictures of himself and Yunho and Mingi while they succeed in making fun of him properly because of his height. He wasn’t even that small. He was, how he once heard from someone, fun sized. The painting Hwa and him made on their one year anniversary in the middle of all the pictures. It was nothing much, neither of them being too much of painters, but it was a sweet sweet memory they wanted to cherish forever. He wanted to cherish Seonghwa forever. He was the love of his life, for god’s sake.  
He found his boyfriend on the couch, tears in his eyes. His hands were shaking, keeping his phone in them but not being able to look at it. Hongjoong made his way to Hwa faster than the speed of light, holding the shaking boy in his embrace. There were no words. But there were no words needed either. He did not know what happened, what upset his boyfriend so bad, but he didn’t want to question it. He will tell him when he feels like talking. For now, he will just hold him. And if needed, he knew he would hold Seonghwa until eternity.  
After some time passed, Hongjoong loosened his grip around him, his hands ran up his spine and lingered over the nape of his neck. He silently looked him in the eyes, asking for permission to speak. However Seonghwa was the one to break the suffocating silence between them.  
“Hey” – he whispered, voice so small that if Hongjoong wouldn’t have paid full attention to him, he wouldn’t have heard. – “I missed you today”  
Hongjoong smiled at the tiny words leaving his mouth, hands finding their way to hold the others. But before he could say anything there were lips on his and he felt himself pushed back in the couch, Seonghwa sitting on his lap, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. Not like he would complain to such actions, kissing Hwa was his favorite activity in the whole world, but it felt somehow uneasy after holding the crying boy. When they broke apart, lips swollen and hair just a little messy, Joong chuckled and started caressing the others waist.  
“I missed you too, beautiful. But where are you rushing? We have all the time in the world” – and he giggled a little when Seonghwa didn’t say anything, just connected their lips again.  
Hongjoong really thought they had all the time in the world. But did they really?

It was hard to keep up with the act of being alright. Seonghwa found it hard to make himself smile and laugh and just even breathe properly, feeling like his head would explode any minute. It was hard to not to tell Hongjoong. It was really fucking goddamn hard to lie to the man he loves with every single cell in his body, maybe even those ones which are causing all this shit that’s happening. He doesn’t know if those cells are capable of love, maybe only of destruction. He wanted those cells to love Hongjoong too. The way he always looked at him with the most caring eyes, how he always murmured that he is the most precious, the most beautiful in the world, how he held him so gently every night they fell asleep next to each other. But Seonghwa knew there was something growing inside him. Something that was neither beautiful, nor precious, that didn’t deserve love and would only cause inevitable destruction. But he was selfish. He wanted just a little more sunshine before the storm, just a little more time with Hongjoong to spend. So he lied and lied and lied. Lied about his appointments, lied about the cost, and lied about what caused him all those headaches. He lied about why it was so easy to make him cry and he lied about why he jolted awake so many times in the middle of the night with tear-stained face and hands gripping into his partner’s shirt so tightly. And Joong let his lies slide. 

Seonghwa couldn’t bare it anymore. He just really, really couldn’t deal with it anymore on his own. He got fixated on little things like the ticking of the clock or the beeping of his phone which told him: another hour passed. He had to talk to someone. But not Joong. Oh no, not his precious baby. He wanted to keep him safe of the thoughts of everything that’s going on with him. He wanted to make his questioning brain silent, shushing him with soft kisses and words of reassurance every time he asked or looked like he was suspecting something. Seonghwa was strong. He really was. He could bare a lot, but not this. Not anymore. He can’t do this alone anyway, he tried to reason with himself, he needs to confide in someone. So he decided to do so.  
Yeosang was always there for everyone when they needed them. Other than the fact that his bickering and constant “I’m calling you out, cause” made him a little insufferable sometimes, Hwa felt like he was his closest friend. The one who knew everything, the one he could trust with knowing absolutely everything and the one he knew would keep his mouth. So he decided it was time to not to bear this heavy bag of ticking bombs alone anymore and asked Yeosang if he would like to grab lunch together.  
They ended up in the boy’s apartment eating takeout sushi and talking for three hours. When Seonghwa finished his story and finally looked up at Yeosang to see his reaction, he wasn’t surprised. His friend was sobbing quietly and when he talked, his breath shaky and voice unstable, understandable after hearing the upsetting news. The news Seonghwa got when Hongjoong came home a few months ago and after calming a little his first thought was “I want to kiss him”.  
“Please don’t tell anyone, Sang.” – he begged – “I really don’t want him to know. Not now. Maybe not ever. If I have to leave I want him to remember me as who I am now. Strong and youthful and beautiful in his eyes. I want him to see me as loveable and desirable, not as a sack of skin and bones. Because I will, inevitably, become a sack of that. If…” – and oh, so sadly he laughed – “if I don’t leave before that happens.”  
Yeosang promised him to keep his secret, not to tell anyone. To not to tell to people they called their close friends like Jongho or Mingi or Yunho or Wooyoung and to not to tell to the most important person in his life, his partner, his love, San. Even though after Hwa left calling San was the first thing he wanted to do and telling him everything, he understood Seonghwa’s wishes. He knew what it meant to be wanted and he knew what it meant to be desired. He knew how the relationship of his friends was fueled. And even though he knew Hongjoong would never leave him because of any of this, not because of his looks or his hardships or the inevitable passing of time, oh no, Hongjoong would stay there until the end. Until the very last breath, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He knew Seonghwa wanted his boyfriend to keep their happy and beautiful memories forever. And if that was his will, who was Kang Yeosang to act against it?

Time was passing so fast, it felt like Seonghwa couldn’t grab it and take over control anymore. He felt weaker by the day and knew that nothing good will come out of it. Not anymore. So he did what he knew he could do best. He planned something Hongjoong would never forget.  
That was his boyfriend’s long day at work so he prepared dinner for them. Before all that he made sure to clean the apartment and while doing so putting beautiful flowers and candles everywhere. Dressed up in the pretty sheer baby pink button down Hongjoong liked on him so much and put on some light makeup, adding pink glitters to compliment the look. Although however much he tried he couldn’t help but notice the black lines under his eyes, how his cheeks started to look hollow, the way his eyes lost a little from their sparkle and how his limbs got slimmer, a little shakier. Maybe Hongjoong noticed it too, but if he did, he didn’t say anything about it. Maybe he thought that Seonghwa was overworking himself. Who knows? 

When Hongjoong entered their apartment, the smell of Seonghwa’s always delicious cooking filled the place. He saw the candles and the flowers and got overwhelmed for a second. His sweet sweet boyfriend, who was overworking himself, taking up so many extra hours to provide some more for the two of them took the time to cook and make the apartment look like this. He quickly checked his phone but there was no alarm set and no notification that today was some sort of celebration between the two. When he looked up he saw him. He was absolutely breathtaking. Beautiful, as always but there was something in his eyes, a little fire, which did not let him go.  
“Welcome home, Joongie” – said the older smiling.  
“Is there any reason why I deserve this tonight?”  
“You’ve had a long day, I just wanted to make it a little special.”  
“I’m going to cry this damn moment” – Joong said, smiling widely, hands towards Hwa in a grabby motion – “You’re working so hard and then you proceed to find the time to make all this… just to make my day special? It is already special, Seonghwa. It is always special when you’re a part of it”  
When Hwa closed the distance, Hongjoong’s hands found their way to his boyfriend’s cheeks and started caressing it slowly. The other leaned into the touch, forgetting everything that was going inside of his head, focusing on the fingers of his small partner delicately brushing over his features. This is why he wanted to be selfish, this is why he wanted to stay more. He needed Hongjoong’s presence to be okay, but he did not want to break the boy with the ticking bomb attached to his head. Joong held him a little closer, connecting their lips for a small amount of time.  
“I truly don’t deserve you” – he mumbled, his face disappearing in the crook of Seonghwa’s neck, breathing in his scent, what he knew he would remember and love forever. Just like he will remember and love the boy who it belongs to until eternity – “Let’s go try what you made, I bet it’s going to be the best thing I ate… since the last time you cooked for me”  
“Let’s” – giggled the older, fingers laced together with his partner’s.  
“And after that let me be the one to… make you feel special” 

It was nights like this that made Seonghwa forget about everything that’s been going on. He was laying in the arms of his smaller boyfriend who was playing with his hair and humming some sort of relaxing, beautiful melody.  
„One day I will take you to the other side of the world, I promise.” – Hongjoong said. Seonghwa just smiled, vivid colours appearing in front of his eyes, images that would make anyone happy. He imagined their smiling faces in front of clische places like the Tower Bridge in London or kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris but he also imagined them holding hands somewhere on a beach he did not know what it was called and he saw them laying on the sand and counting the rays of the setting sun. He imagined them somewhere on a mountaintop exhausted but happy and together, making a video for their friends who would never believe that Hwa would do such things like climbing up a mountain, after all he is scared of heights, no? And he imagined Yunho’s and Mingi’s proud and Jonho’s shocked faces while San and Woo and Yeosang would only smile when the video got delivered. He could do it in the end and that what mattered, right?  
„I will show you all the hidden and not so hidden places and we will travel until we are sick of going and just want to come home. And then we can go and travel again. Cause we have all the time in the world, Hwa. We have everything.”  
And even though Seonghwa knew that there was a ticking bomb inside him which would limit the forever Hongjoong was talking about, he did not say anything. All he did was looking up at his partner, and softly brushing his lips with his own.  
„I’d love that, Joong. I want to see everything with you.„

„The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha

It was a half year ago when Seonghwa got the news. And he tried to make the best out of this half year. So many presents he gave, so many hours he spent with his partner and his friends. So many memories they made together.  
There was just a little something the others never understood when they gathered together. Why does Yeosang look so sad and so careful around Hwa. Why is he hugging him like it’s the last time or when they go home why does he cling more to San than usual. Everyone saw that the relationship between Sang and the older got stronger, but they just suspected that they had a fallout and then ended up getting even closer. Though this was not a clear explanation to the younger’s behavior honestly they didn’t really care. So when Hwa asked Yeosang to have a talk on the balcony not one person inside Yunho’s apartment suspected a thing. Because they thought they still have time to figure out what’s going on.  
“You’re not going away, are you?” – was the first thing leaving the younger’s mouth once they distanced themselves enough.  
“I am, Sangie. I will leave in a few days.”  
“Why? You don’t look like…”  
“Like someone who doesn’t have much time left? I don’t look like that… yet. I will, soon enough.”  
“But Seonghwa…”  
“I can feel myself getting weaker by the minute. I don’t want Hongjoong to see me like that. I don’t want him to feel the pain of letting me go… like that”  
“So you’d rather break his heart?”  
“I don’t want to, but I have to. This way it’s only his heart and he will recover. The other way… if he sees me getting… like that… it will break him.”  
“You don’t know that!”  
“I know him. And you do too. He wouldn’t leave me alone, not even if I ask him to do so. He would stay by my side and take care of me. He would give me everything he has. He would give me all his time and energy. It would end up him losing his job. He can’t afford that, Yeosang. And I can’t make myself letting that happen.”  
“But you don’t have to just walk away from his life… from ours...”  
“I do. I do because I was selfish until now. I need to let you all go.”  
“Will I ever see you again, hyung?”  
“I don’t know. If I’ll ever contact anyone, that will probably be you. But I’m not sure either of us can handle that. I’ve put too much pain and misery on you this way as well. I’m terribly sorry you have to know about this. But I couldn’t deal with all of it alone.”

No one really noticed the sadness in Yeosang’s eyes that night. No one gave a weird look after he hugged the older so tightly tears started forming in both of their eyes. And even if San questioned why his boyfriend held onto him so tightly while sobbing after they got home, he never really asked about it out loud.

When Hongjoong got home the apartment was surprisingly empty. It was his long day, Hwa would always be at home, he never worked ‘til 10. “He must have fallen asleep”, he thought to himself, smiling about how adorable and peaceful the other would look in his sleep. Silently he took off his coat and shoes and tiptoed to their shared bedroom. His mind wondered to the little velvet box inside his drawer and the date he wanted to ask his boyfriend on next Friday so he could ask him a really important question what came with opening the box.  
However when he stepped into the bedroom there was no one inside. The lights were off but even this way it felt so…. empty? Yes, maybe empty was the right way to describe it. He turned the lights on and found out why the strange feeling has set into his stomach since he entered the apartment and why the emptiness was so noticeable. A lot, and by a lot I mean most of Seonghwa’s stuff were missing. His mind started going with the speed of light… did he tell him about a meeting out of town? No, he surely didn’t. Maybe he went home to his parents? No, they weren’t talking since the two of them started dating…  
Hongjoong felt more and more panic slip into his mind, eyes scanning through the room over and over again. He MUST be mistaken. There is NO way Seonghwa would leave. Not like this, without saying anything, not when they were they happiest together!  
Or… were they? Suddenly he started remembering all the extra hours his partner took up and all the little things he blamed on them. The dark circles under his eyes, the way he got significantly slimmer, how his hair maybe lost a little bit of its shine. He suddenly remembered the day he came home to his boyfriend shaking on the couch.  
But they were happy, right? All the little and not so little things Seonghwa did for him these past weeks… months…. All the delicious food he cooked, how he took him to a trip to Jeju Island and how they were looking at the stars together talking about everything and nothing. Everything was so ethereal. If that moment would’ve lasted until eternity, Hongjoong would’ve stayed in it. He remembered how many kisses his boyfriend gave him, how he was so touchy even in public, when he wasn’t before. They were happy, oh, for the sake of all the gods they were never happier….  
But then… why is the apartment empty? Where are his partner’s belongings and most importantly… where is Seonghwa?

Those minutes did, in fact seem so long like they would last forever. Like he would stay there until the end of times, in silence, in dark, throat aching with so many questions and not seeing past the obvious.  
But there was something very obvious. On their shared bed layed a letter, Seonghwa’s handwriting on it. Hongjoong grabbed and opened it with the speed of light, turning on the bedside lamp so he could read what was written inside…

“My dear Hongjoong,  
I am a coward. I can’t make myself face you, so this is how I will say my goodbyes.  
You are my everything. Everything I love and all I wish for. There is not another person who I could love as deeply as I love you and there is not another person I could care as deeply for. So please, please try to understand my actions and please forgive me once.”  
Hongjoong felt like he couldn’t breathe. Say his goodbyes? What is Seonghwa even talking about? To understand his actions? What was there to understand?  
“There was something going on in the past few months. Something that is tiny and would seem irrelevant but something that is also larger than life and can take everything away. It can take it away in tiny pieces in a long span of time or it can take it away in a few big bites suddenly. I’d rather have the second one. I got to know it a half year ago. And I already feel the first few big bites, how parts of me are not the same and how I can’t be the same person anymore.  
I was, and still am, extremely selfish, Joong. I wanted to spend all of my time with you. I wanted us to have forever. But everyone has a different forever, right? Everyone has a different amount of time written for them. So I want you to remember the best of me, I want you to remember everything happy and everything beautiful.  
Remember when you said you wanted to go to the other side of the world with me? I couldn’t afford more than Jeju Island but it felt like an entire other universe there. It felt like we didn’t have to worry about time ticking over our heads and we could concentrate on each other. We could breathe. It was the most amazing holiday of my life. I hope you feel something similar.  
Other than being selfish, I am a coward, as I already stated. I can’t look in your eyes and tell you I have to leave you and I have to break up with you. But I must. It’s the best for you.  
So please don’t look for me. Please don’t try to find me and don’t try to contact me. You won’t be able to. None of you will be able to. I made sure of it.  
I know that this is not explanation enough and I know you will try to seek for answers. Don’t. I don’t want you to. I’m sorry I’m putting you through all this misery. Believe me, it will be better for you this way.  
I hope that in our next lives we will find each other again and our love can be fulfilled. I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this.  
If you feel strong enough please go to my desk and open its drawer. You’ll find a little box with a ring inside. I wanted to ask you to marry me, Hongjoong. I wanted to make you the happiest man until the end of times. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to make you happy. Not with a ticking bomb over my head.  
Please know that I will love you until I take my last breath and even after. I will love you in any form of afterlife and if we get lucky enough I get to love you in my next life as well.  
Take care of yourself, my love.  
And please, please forgive me one day.  
Yours until eternity,  
Seonghwa”

The letter was a mess. It made no sense to Hongjoong.  
Everyone has a different forever? Remember the best of me? None of you will be able to? I wouldn’t be able to make you happy? With a ticking bomb over my head?  
“What does all this even mean? What did Seonghwa refer to? Where did he go? Why did he talk like they were never going to see each other ever again?“ – his mind was racing.  
“Oh God… was Hwa going to… hurt… himself? No… he wouldn’t! There is no reason he would! But then... what is all that ticking bomb thing he was talking about?” – he let out a shaky breath and ran his fingers through his hair after which noticing the tears wetting his face. He didn’t even know when he started to cry.  
“And why… why would he leave? Why would him leaving be any good for me? I don’t want him to leave! I want him back!” – and at the end Hongjoong was screaming the words. He let all the hurt he felt take over his body and knock him on the floor. He was shaking and sobbing hands desperately trying to find something to hold on to, something that was Seonghwa’s, just for a moment, just for that moment. He just wanted to feel him close.

They were all worried. Neither Hongjoong nor Hwa contacted them for about a week now, which was really not normal and not how their friend group rolled. It was Yeosang and San who made the final decision that they should visit the two older’s apartment to see if there was anything that happened. Or at least that’s how San saw everything. Yeosang knew. He knew something has happened.  
They’ve found Hongjoong.  
Or his shell.  
They really couldn’t tell.  
The boy was sitting on their bed surrounded by pictures and endless sheets of paper on which the words ticking bomb were written all over in every possible connotation. Yeosang felt his heart break as he looked at his friend.  
“He left” – was the first thing Hongjoong choked out after the endless calls and begs of the other two – “He left me here with a lot of questions, a messy letter, an “I wanted to ask you to marry me” ring and a broken heart. I just don’t… understand.”  
Yeosang noticed a ring on a necklace around the olders neck. It was both heartwarming and absolutely heartbreaking. The always smiley, calming and cheerful Hongjoong who was the anchor of their friend group, who would do anything for any of them and would have definitely done anything for Seonghwa… just sat there. Defeated, grey and tiny. He seemed so much smaller than he was. It looked like every drop of power left his body and all he had was just enough to keep him breathing.  
“I really don’t understand why he would do that… He said he loved me. He said he hopes our love can be fulfilled in our next lives… why would he say that?”

“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.” ― Haruki Murakami

It was the hardest decision of his life. And leaving was the worst experience he ever had. He didn’t know if Hongjoong forgave him and… he didn’t know how to live with that thought. Or better to say… he didn’t know how to die while not knowing that the person who he would’ve offered his life for understood him and what he did.  
There was not too much of him left… He couldn’t really talk anymore. Only a few words here and there. It was hard to keep his eyes open, the shallow slumber being better than the consciousness of it all.  
He went to the hospital a few days after he left… he was soon given what he oh so ironically calls home now, a bed. The bed he can’t even leave anymore. Not with most of his body being paralyzed. There was nothing more this world could offer him. There were no friends and smiles, most importantly there was no more Hongjoong. He realized he needed to see him one more time. He needed to be selfish once more.  
He suffered enough. Suffered because of the constant headaches and seizures which were so hard to mask. Suffered because of what his personal bomb made his body go through. And lastly suffered because he was too selfish… or selfless? He doesn’t really know. It was hard to put together. He knew he didn’t have much more left.  
But the most ironic thing in it? He didn’t know how much time passed since he walked out that door. Giving into the power of his curse being what made him stop counting the days.

[unknown] : Hello, Mr. Kang Yeosang?  
[Yeosang] : Yes, hello.  
[unknown] : I’m Kim Yongsun, a nurse in St. YY Hospital, I was given your number by one of our patients, Mr. Park Seonghwa. I’m rather impressed by how he managed to do it, he is in a very serious condition.  
[Yeosang] : Park Seonghwa? How is he? Can I go see him? Please?  
[unknown] : Sure, you can visit him, but don’t expect too much from poor being. He has his days counted. The visiting hours are from 10 in the morning to 16 in the afternoon.  
[Yeosang] : Thank you! Thank you so much!  
[unknown] : Oh and one more thing… in his fever dreams Mr. Park usually mentions someone he calls Hongjoong. By any means do you know someone with a similar name? It might be what doesn’t let him leave…  
[Yeosang] : Yes… I know someone called Hongjoong. He was quite close to Seonghwa.  
[unknown] : Great! Please consider bringing said person in for a visit, it might help more than any of us thinks it would. Usually nurses and doctors don’t really believe in the relief of the soul but I do… So please help Mr. Park’s tortured soul to leave this earthly form… he seems really tired.  
[Yeosang] : I will… I will do everything in my power to do so.  
[unknown] : Have a nice day, Mr. Kang!

Before Yeosang could answer, the nurse cut the line. They haven’t heard anything about Seonghwa in more than four months. He was not sure if the boy was still alive. But it seems like he was and somehow he managed to stay true to his words. He contacted Yeosang.

It was four months and ten days since Seonghwa left him with the letter. He could still not understand. And even though with the help of his friends and his monthly snack and fashion subscription boxes he learned how to mask the pain he was carrying, he was not over the boy who just walked out of his life. And he still wasn’t able to give full sense to his words. He knew the ticking bomb was the key. But what was the meaning behind it?  
His phone’s ringing brought him out of his thoughts, he picked up carelessly.

“Yeah?”  
“Hey Joong, it’s Sang! Uhhh listen… I don’t have much time right now but please meet me tomorrow at 11 in front of your company!”  
“Sang I’m working tomorrow… It’s the long day… you know? I can’t just..”  
“Please ask for a half day off! It’s really important!”  
“Yeosang that’s not how it works…”  
“And search up glioblastoma, it will make sense!”

“Honestly these kids these days really think it’s so easy to get a half day off” – Hongjoong mumbled to himself while grumpily opening up his laptop, writing in the word Yeosang told him into Google and clicking on the Wikipedia page. And then his jaw dropped and his heart skipped a beat.  
“Glioblastoma, also known as glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), is the most aggressive type of cancer that begins within the brain. Initially, signs and symptoms of glioblastoma are nonspecific.”  
“There is no known method of preventing the cancer.”  
“Despite maximum treatment, the cancer usually recurs. The typical duration of survival following diagnosis is 12 to 15 months, with fewer than 3 to 7% of people surviving longer than five years. Without treatment, survival is typically three months.”  
And it sank in.  
Everyone has a different forever. “The typical duration of survival following diagnosis is 12 to 15 months.”  
Remember the best of me. “Symptoms often worsen rapidly and may progress to unconsciousness.”  
I wouldn’t be able to make you happy. “There is no known method of preventing the cancer.”  
With a ticking bomb over my head. “The most aggressive type of cancer that begins within the brain”  
Ticking bomb. “Glioblastoma.”  
Cancer.

Despite it being nearly midnight Hongjoong threw himself inside his car and crossed a few driving limits until he reached Yeosang and San’s apartment. After that, he basically broke down their door while getting inside. No matter how weirdly San looked at him, Hongjoongs eyes were glued to Yeosang.  
“How did you know?”  
“What did he know?” – asked San, poor boy being totally unrelated to the topic.  
“Glioblastoma. The fucking ticking bomb. How the fuck did you know, Yeosang? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”  
“Hongjoong listen… “ – the younger started.  
“Don’t fucking dare to lie to me! You knew all along… right? You knew he had cancer!?”  
“I…”  
“Were you seeing him in the meantime too? Why did you know about it and I didn’t? Who the fuck do you think you are to keep such information from me?”  
“Okay enough is enough!” – stepped San in front of his boyfriend protectively. – “Stop screaming at Yeosang, who the fuck do YOU think you are Hongjoong? You come to our apartment nearly at midnight and what you do is fucking scream? Are you totally out of your mind? What are you even talking about?”  
“I know what he is talking about, love. And he is right… “ – a tiny voice came from behind the boy. – “But I made a promise and I had to keep that promise. I’ll tell you everything just… please…”  
“For the love of all angels, please stop screaming.”  
“Fine.” – and if words would be actual knives Hongjoong would’ve probably stabbed this one through both of his friends.  
They sat down on the couch. Sans eyes were searching Yeosang’s face as his boyfriend grabbed his hands to feel some sort of grounding. The whole topic was hard to talk about for him and even though he knew they had to go through this conversation he really wished they could’ve done it the next morning. He cleared his throat. His voice was awkward and shaky and he wished he could just…  
“He came to me one day to pick up lunch. We ended up eating sushi here. He…” – and a tear left Yeosang’s eye and begun its path down his face – “He told me he was diagnosed with cancer and even with treatment he wouldn’t really make it past a few months. He told me its name was glioblastoma and that it formed in his brain. He had a seizure while in the hospital for his monthly checkups and that’s when they found it. They told him that he has maximum a year to live.”  
“Sangie why didn’t you.. ” – whispered San to his boyfriend, pulling him closer.  
“Seonghwa told me that he will make everything in his power to make our last few months enjoyable and memorable. He knew what was waiting for him, he read enough about it. And after that I did too. This thing starts out with nausea and headaches then it gets to very frequent seizures and after that only hell knows in what order things start happening. He did get some sort of therapy. He didn’t tell me what, just that he had an appointment two times a week. That’s how he made it for six-ish months without any of us really noticing. He practically begged me to listen, then to not to tell anyone. Especially you. He knew that this whole thing would kill him both inside and outside. He would become paralyzed, unable to eat, to do anything on his own. He would not be able to talk and he would be switching in and out of consciousness. And he knew that if it would’ve came to that you would’ve given up everything and would’ve stayed by his side to take care of him. But he didn’t want you to see him like that. He didn’t want you to see him as a sack of skin and bones, unable to do anything at all. He didn’t want you to see all his suffering because he knew you would’ve suffered greatly. He wanted to protect you… from himself. And even though it was inevitable to hurt you and him leaving you wasn’t the right decision in my eyes either, who am I to say no to him? Who am I? Tell me, please.”  
The room became very quiet. The only sounds in the dim lights were Hongjoong’s choked up sobs, San’s heavy breathing and the cries his boyfriend muffled into his shirt. It was like the flow of time stopped for a second for the three boys in the room the words of truth finally being spoken.  
“Don’t think that it wasn’t hard on me, please” – mumbled Yeosang as an afterthought – “I really thought I would go insane from the intensity of this secret. I really really didn’t want keep it.”  
“W-why did you call me up with the name of the cancer and to meet you tomorrow?” – Hongjoong asked with so little power in his voice, it would hurt anyone.  
“A nurse called me. Somehow he gave her my number. I think he kept it with himself. He told me if there’s going to be someone he will contact again, it will be me. The nurse said he is in a critical state… that his days are counted. She also said that he has fever dreams… and he calls for you in them.”  
“Oh, hyung…” – muttered San more to himself, than to anyone else. All the information he got to know, all the things his sweet, caring boyfriend had to keep in…  
“The nurse said that he might not be able to die because… his tormented soul? I don’t know it did sound a little weird but he… he does have unfinished business with you. I wanted to ask you to join me to visit him at the hospital”  
“Of course… of course I’ll go.” – choked out Hongjoong before breaking down in endless sobs again.

The ride to the hospital was slower than expected. The traffic was horrible and if did not help neither Hongjoong’s nor Yeosang’s heart. The older was playing with the ring Seonghwa once meant for him, it still being on the necklace after all this time.  
The feelings inside him were anything but calm. He wanted to cry, to shout, to call out to the gods and demons, he wanted an answer. He wanted to know why. Why it had to be Seonghwa when he did nothing wrong in his life. He was caring, he was delicate, the sweetest person ever. Hardworking and always seeing the good in people, saving them. Saving him too. If he really thought about it there was never going to be someone who would be so much his person as Seonghwa. They just… clicked. They were perfect together in every way. They had so much in front of them. So much life… so much joy. They wanted to have kids one day. Hwa always telling him how much he adores children, he made a promise to give him one. They wanted to be a family. They already had the best friends they could ask for and they had each other. It was really, nearly picture-perfect.  
As they got closer to the hospital it got harder to breathe. He was anxious about seeing him. All the worries Yeosang told him he had… what if Seonghwa wouldn’t want to see him again?  
The receptionist at the front directed them to the room where his other half was treated. “treated”. When they got there, a nurse came out.  
“Oh, Mr. Kang Yeosang?”  
“Y-yeah”  
“And you must be the mysterious Hongjoong Mr. Park keeps asking for. I’m Kim Yongsun, we talked on the phone yesterday. I didn’t expect you to come this soon, I thought you lived somewhere far away. Poor soul didn’t have any visitors until now.”  
“He didn’t…” – Hongjoong blurted out – “he cut all ties with us.”  
“Ohhhh, that’s unfortunate to hear. It would’ve been so much easier on him if he has some company from time to time. But please, go, visit him now!”  
“Thank you for contacting us.” – mumbled Yeosang, barely audible.  
“Oh, no problem! I like helping people all the ways I can. Also… be aware. Mr. Park is unconscious now. As most patients, he fluctuates between being aware of his surroundings and not. He is also almost totally paralyzed by now, he can only use his left hand to grip onto some things. And he can’t really… talk, that’s the effect of the placement of his tumor. Please be gentle and patient with him.”  
“We will be.”  
“Thank you for coming, sirs.” – said the nurse and offered them a sad, apologetic smile. 

It was Yeosang who entered the room first. No matter how much Hongjoong wanted to go in, after all the other one was called by Seonghwa.  
The boy’s heart dropped while looking at his friend. He looked so… fragile. Like he could break any second. Like he could lose the ticking bomb’s battle any second. The younger didn’t know what the right thing to do was. He didn’t know if the other was conscious or not, if it was okay to touch him or even talk to him.  
He slowly walked closer to Seonghwa, sitting on the chair left next to his bed sucking in a sharp breath. Then he extended his hands shakily, fingers brushing over his friend’s in such a gentle manner as if it would only be the blowing summer wind.  
“So somehow you called me, didn’t you?”  
silence.  
“It was so hard, Hwa. So hard to keep your secret. You should’ve seen all our friends. How they all broke, one by one. And Hongjoong… he…”  
nothing.  
“Yeah.”  
Yeosang took in some shaky breaths. He didn’t really know what to expect when he agreed to come in. But he definitely didn’t count with the silence as deep and as suffocating as if he would be thousands of miles underwater and lost hope to reach the surface again.  
“Well the nurse did say that you’re in and out of consciousness and she warned me before I came in but… Oh, Seonghwa I didn’t think this would actually… be like this.”  
A tear left his eyes.  
„I... I understand now. I understand why you didn’t want any of us to see. And I understand why you thought it would be easier on Hongjoong if you’d just disappear.”  
A sad smile was painted over his face.  
„But it was not easy either way and... and maybe... it would have been easier for you if you... if you wouldn’t have left. We could’ve been by your side. We could’ve talked and helped and held your hand and shown you stuff... we could’ve made the last few months.. maybe worth living for.  
The nurse I talked to told me you’ve been asking for Hongjoong unconsciously. I know that.. you didn’t want him to see you like this but... I can’t let you leave without him saying his part of the not so proper goodbyes.”  
A sad laugh cracked from his throat but it sounded more like a cry for help.  
„Actually I don’t even know what are proper goodbyes anymore.  
Just please forgive me I brought him here. Forgive me, but I had to. For both of your sakes. And my own.”

A person walked into his room and sat down next to his bed. He could hear it was not one of the usual nurses and not the one he would usually try to communicate with. The person had a familiar aura, that’s what he felt but he couldn’t pinpoint what felt familiar in them. Soon a hand reached over to his, just a brush of fingers but it brought out feelings he thought he buried in himself the day he left Hongjoong, their friends and their home.  
“So somehow you called me, didn’t you?”  
Yeosang? Oh my god… Yeosang? Could it be? She could actually reach you? Yeosang!? Yeosangie!!!  
Yeosangie why aren’t you answering!!!  
“It was so hard, Hwa. So hard to keep your secret. You should’ve seen all our friends. How they all broke, one by one. And Hongjoong… he…”  
I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry I’ve put you through all of this… Sangie, I’m so sorry.  
You know I didn’t want to see them break but… oh god they broke in another way than what I kept in front of me.  
Hongjoong? W-what happened with Hongjoong?  
Yeosangie, please talk to me! Please tell me everything! Please tell me you can hear me!  
“Yeah.”  
Yeah?  
What do you mean “yeah”? Sangie what happened to Hongjoong?  
Yeosangie please talk to me, you must still be here! I will try to open my eyes, will that be better? I’m trying to talk, I really am! Can’t you feel that I want to tell you things?  
Please stay, please talk to me, please… please…  
Yeosangie… are you still here?  
“Well the nurse did say that you’re in and out of consciousness and she warned me before I came in but… Oh, Seonghwa I didn’t think this would actually… be like this.”  
But I’m conscious now, I’m right here!! Please, please you have to hear me!!  
„I... I understand now. I understand why you didn’t want any of us to see. And I understand why you thought it would be easier on Hongjoong if you’d just disappear.”  
Yeosang... Oh my dear Yeosangie...  
„But it was not easy either way and... and maybe... it would have been easier for you if you... if you wouldn’t have left. We could’ve been by your side. We could’ve talked and helped and held your hand and shown you stuff... we could’ve made the last few months.. maybe worth living for.”  
I don’t consider this thing living, Sangie. I’m just waiting to die...  
„The nurse I talked to told me you’ve been asking for Hongjoong unconsciously. I know that.. you didn’t want him to see you like this but... I can’t let you leave without him saying his part of the not so proper goodbyes.”  
I... I’ve been what? Asking for him?  
And she heared? How..?  
His part of the goodbyes? What do you mean you can’t leave me without that?  
Yeosangie are you bringing Joong here? Yeosangie... a-are you sure that’s the best idea?  
Look at me! I’m a breathing corpse! Why would he want to... say any kind of goodbyes to me?  
I don’t... I really don’t deserve his time...  
„Actually I don’t even know what are proper goodbyes anymore.  
Just please forgive me I brought him here. Forgive me, but I had to. For both of your sakes. And my own.”  
Y-you did what?  
You brought him here?  
Yeosangie, Hongjoong is here?  
Is he in the room? Oh my god is he somewhere around?  
Yeosangie talk to me please!  
Don’t stay silent, don’t... don’t leave, please don’t leave...

Yeosang choked on his words while still sitting in that damn chair. Was any of this right?  
What is even right? Should he be sitting here? Is he a good enough friend to be awarded the barely there, but still there presence of Seonghwa? But also is he a good enough friend to the others... a good enough partner? He knew everything all along, he could’ve said something. He really could’ve. Why didn’t he? Was he a bad person for not talking or was he a good one for the same reason? Is there an outcome of this situation which would be good enough for both Seonghwa and their friend group?  
The answer was obviously no. It’s mostly either the wishes of one or the other. No golden middle road. No good choice. Just a shit ton of fucked up ones. 

His eyes lingered on his friend. The nurse said he is unconscious, but is he really? Did he hear him talk by any chance? Does he... want him to stay? Or does he just want him to go?  
And most importantly... what about Hongjoong? Should he come in the room? Try to talk to him? Or should Yeosang just send him away because it might cause... more trouble than what any of them wants for poor Seonghwa?

After some time of looking at the pale boy under the white sheets and white lights, Yeosang decided, that these questions were ones he would probably never get proper answers for. It was something he will have to deal with on his own.  
„Oh Seonghwa hyung, if you knew how we all miss you... How I miss you...”  
A tear rolled down his cheek, falling on the older boy’s hand he unconciously gripped a few moments ago.  
„Please let me know if you want me to... If you want me to ask Hongjoong to come in.”  
He took another deep breath, looking at his friend he oh so wanted to protect.  
„I won’t ask him to come in, if you don’t want him to. If you can, by any means, let me know you want him here... please try to.”  
silence.  
„Please hyung.”

Yeosang sat there, in relative silence. The sounds of his choked sobs and the IV machine mixing in the air. It was suffocating.  
But he held his hand. He held Seonghwa’s hand, something he never thought he could do again and something he didn’t know if he could do again if he gave in to his fight or flight mechanism and ran through the door and through the hospital and just out, out, out of this misery.  
His fingers played with Seonghwa’s ice cold ones. If there was still some of himself left in the boy, the ticking bomb masked it perfectly. He looked as if he was counting down the minutes to his death. Cheeks fallen in, skin as pale as snow with some strikingly yellow undertones, eyes closed shut, limbs turned skin and bones. The only thing resembling living in him was the steady rise and fall of his chest, meaning his lungs still didn’t give out, that his heart was still pumping blood in his veins.  
The younger decided, that he really couldn’t take it anymore.  
“I’ll leave now, hyung.” he whispered.  
But when he wanted to let go of the others hand to get up, something he never thought would happen shook up his world. Cold, skinny fingers curled around his hand in such a fragile manner but it made all air leave his lungs, a high whine escaping his lips as he fell to his knees.  
“Hyung can you hear me?”  
Nothing, but the beeping of the IV machine.  
“Hyung please if you can hear me and you’re with me, please do that again.” he begged. He really needed to know he is not just hallucinating.  
A gentle hold tightened a little around his hand.  
“Oh my god, you’re really here… you heard me, right?”  
Another nearly there squeeze.  
“Hyung, we love you so much. We missed you so much. All of us. All the time. Please don’t think we forgot… if we would’ve known you’re here we would’ve came much sooner” Yeosang broke down now entirely, holding onto Seonghwa’s hand for dear life.  
And he cried. He let himself cry it out, chest barely holding in so much hurt and pressure, pain and hope. He let his tears fall to the others hand as the older was squeezing his one from time to time, as in trying to tell him that it was okay. That he did well and he was proud of him for holding on for so long. That he was thankful that he didn’t tell his secret before and he was glad he could hear the younger. That he was happy they were meeting once again.  
Or at least that’s what Yeosang hoped the others hand tightening around his own from time to time meant. It couldn’t be a reflex, those are not really working like this. It must mean the older was really there with him and heard what he said. That he missed them too.  
“Hyung… Hongjoong hyung is here… Should I ask him to come in?” whispered Yeosang. “Squeeze my hand if you want him to come in… otherwise I’ll tell him to stay outside.”  
Gentle hands tightened around his again.  
It was heartbreaking to feel.  
Of course, he wants to feel his presence again.  
“I’ll go out and ask him to see you, okay? I’ll let you two be together and I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise. I love you, hyung.”

“And in these moments, time stood still.”

When he heard the door open and close, he looked up to see Yeosang’s tear stained cheeks and the younger breathing heavily, like he was choking on any air that was supposed to contact his lungs.  
“Go in, hyung. He is waiting for you…” the little one whispered.  
“Waiting for me? What do you mean?”  
“He is conscious, he can communicate. Talk to him clearly and hold his hand. Ask him questions and he will squeeze back, he did for me. I’ll go out, I really need some air.” and with that Yeosang left the waiting room.

He hasn’t felt his heart racing like this in a long time. He should be mad, probably. Seonghwa left him and ran away but… but all he could feel was worry and relief. Relief he can see him again.  
Hongjoong slowly opened the door, huge gulp of air before he finally pushed it in. And then he froze with that movement when his eyes found Seonghwa. The love of his life, laying in a bed, hair still as dark as the deepest night without stars in contrast with the vibrating white of the walls and the sheets. The man he wanted to tie his life to, looking so tiny, fragile… broken. A lightning of sharp pain ran through his heart, tears filled his eyes and he felt as his breath was taken away by the sight. He never knew if he would see the boy again, but when he hoped he would, he didn’t imagine it like this.  
All the time he imagined Seonghwa coming back to him with his beautiful smile on his face, explaining that they were in danger and he had to leave to keep Hongjoong safe. That the ticking bomb was in fact something manageable, something that can be helped somehow, a curse that can be broken. He imagined them meeting again and having hours of serious conversation, finally settling on them starting their relationship again.  
But he never imagined seeing him again laying on a hospital bed looking so lifeless and in such a state. The sight was unbearable. He still took a few steps until he collapsed on the chair left next to the bed.  
Hongjoong let his instincts take him over for a second, reaching for the others hand and carefully picking it up, bringing it to his lips and breathing a tiny kiss onto it. When he lifted his head, he tried to search the others expression. Seonghwa looked like he was sleeping.  
“You always slept so beautifully, Hwa. I wonder if you would still like to sleep with your head on my chest. You swore that my heartbeat calmed you down even on your worst nights. Would it be comforting to hear it again?” he mumbled.  
No answer.  
Hongjoong’s heart ached. He felt like if he took too many gulps of air, he would take all the oxygen left in the tiny room, not letting his love breathe properly.  
But he had to do this. He had to tell him everything. He had to let him know that he didn’t hate him no matter how much pain and misery he caused. He could never hate him.  
“I know why you did what you did” he started quietly “It doesn’t make it okay, but I understand. Mainly, at least. You might worry I hate you, or that I resent you. I don’t, Hwa, I really don’t. I just wish you could’ve stayed and I could’ve made your last few months bearable. I haven’t seen you in four months. It felt like an eternity.”  
As he wanted to continue, he felt the other tighten his hand around his. Tears ran down his cheeks. He was really there. He was really listening to what he was saying.  
“Eternity is such a weird concept, you know. I’ve always thought we would have each other for eternity, until the end of times. And by that I mean that I’ve thought we would grow old together, leaving a happy, a full of memories life behind. I would have never dared to think that our forever would be so far from each other.” he took a sharp breath, the sound leaving his lips filled with pain and sadness “I missed you every day. I could not understand why you left. And if you left because you didn’t love me anymore, why leave the ring behind. And if you left only me, why leave all of us behind. I was miserable for so many time, Hwa. I could not wrap my head around what the ticking bomb meant. Not until Yeosangie called me the other day. He told me to look it up and…”  
His voice broke, he let his head down and rested it where their hands were connected. He left another soft kiss on the others hand and started talking again.  
“I never, not in my worst nightmare thought you were battling cancer. And you gave everything up, just to not make us see how your state worsened. I wish you wouldn’t have left. I wish I could’ve been there for you. I know you were scared I would’ve left everything behind, and maybe you’re right, maybe I would’ve. But I could’ve helped you through your pain. I could’ve been there and held you. I could’ve stayed by your side and kissed you every day, no matter how bad that day would’ve been.”  
He picked his head up again and ran his gaze through the olders features.  
“But I am here now. And I promise I will stay. I don’t hate you and I forgave you.”  
He felt fingers squeeze his own again.  
“I love you, Park Seonghwa. And I will love you until I take my last breath.”  
Hongjoong stood up from the chair, let the others hand go and bent over the older, leaving a kiss on his forehead.  
When he sat back down on the chair and took fragile hands into his again, he heard the tiniest voice. Maybe if there isn’t such a suffocating, deep silence in the room he would’ve missed it. Maybe if he chair would’ve cracked under the weight of his pain, he wouldn’t have made out the meaning. But he heard it.  
“I – I love you too”  
Hongjoong’s breath hitched, he tried to stand up but all he managed was dropping to his knees next to the man he cared for the most. He threaded their fingers together and cried silently letting his head rest on Seonghwa’s chest lightly.

When the visiting hours were over, Hongjoong left with a promise he would come back next morning, no matter what. He breathed one last kiss to his lover’s forehead, squeezed his hand one more time and let the fragile fingers tighten around his ones once more.  
He called Yeosang sobbing, asking for forgiveness for his behavior last night.  
He ended up spending the night at San’s and Yeosang’s apartment, sleeping on the couch under the covers the other two carefully put on him so he wouldn’t get cold, his hand clutching to the ring on his necklace for dear life, Seonghwa’s name still on his tongue, as he was his last thought before sleep took him into its comforting and colourful realm, promising a better tomorrow.

When Hongjoong left his room, it felt like every last bit of his energy left with him. His words still clear in Seonghwa’s head, how he held him so carefully, how he kissed his hand and forehead as if he would break under the gentle touch of his lips.  
And how Hongjoong said he forgave him. How he said he still loved him.  
No matter all the pain, misery and heartbreak he put him through, he loved him.  
Just how Seonghwa loved him back.

When the night finally arrived, painting the sky pitch black and freezing the air just a little, Seonghwa’s breathing became shallow.  
He felt, like he was floating, like he did not need to worry and he did not need to be in pain anymore. He was forgiven and he was loved by the person he would’ve given his life for.  
He hoped, always hoped Hongjoong would understand. That if he would see him, he could respect his wishes of not wanting to be a burden. Of course. Hogjoong said he would’ve wanted to take care of Seonghwa. Of course he said he would have held him and kissed him and would have tried to soothe his pain. But he said that he understood too.  
And that would have been enough.  
But Hongjoong also said that despite everything, he still loved him.  
And that was more than enough.  
Seonghwa felt like the angels of the night lifted the weight of misery off his shoulders. He felt like he could fly any second, like he could jump out of bed and run and run and run until he found himself in Hongjoong's arms again. 

And maybe the gracious angels of the dark night really lifted the weight of his pain off him, because he finally felt free to go. He felt in peace.

So he took a big breath and let the angels attach wings made out of stardust and strings of light to his back and he let them hold his hand and carry him through the window until he became one with one of the starts shining brightly over the clouds.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it through my story!  
> Kudos are appreciated and please leave your thoughts and opinions in the comment section!  
> Much love,  
> S.


End file.
